just 5 months ago, i was struggling to decide where to go. though sometimes i wonder what it's like to have chosen a different path. i have come to love the one i am currently on. i have made wonderful friends and have learned things that will last with me forever. I have only been at MAC for 4 months, and i already wish i could stay forever.

Things have also been hectic lately. Eva tells me that things are kinda rushed and that we're going into this too blindly. maybe she's right? or maybe she just doesn't see it the way we do. matthew's asked me if im ready also. sometimes i really think i am, but at other times, it seems that a little more time would reassure me of my decision.

it kills me how considerate he really is. he understands that i don't wanna rush things. he always tells me that he'll let me decide what's going to happen to us next. it really frustrates me sometimes because i usually need a push when i make decisions. well, at least, that use to be the case. i never really had to decide anything on my own before because it would usually be done for me in my past. He tells me that he doesn't want his feelings and what he wants to affect my decision because he knows that it might affect the outcome. I'm not use to that at all.

I've never felt this way before. He sees right through me. Whenever something's wrong, he's the first one to ask if i'm okay. he knows when i'm lying, he knows exactly what to say or do whenever i need someone there for me. he doesn't push me in any way to do something i don't want to do. he knows when i need space, and he knows when i need someone there for me. he understands me completely.

i feel .. vulnerable, but its a good thing.

i miss him. :(